Ashes of Truth
by Anisky
Summary: The story of Lucy's quest for self-discovery, as written through her diary, sparked by a girl she meets at college. PG13 for girl/girl relationship.
1. Ashes of Truth

Ashes of Truth  
By Anisky

Disclaimer:  Lucy and anyone else who you recognize does not belong to me.  

_I've never kept a boyfriend for very long.  Haven't they noticed that? Mary would like the same guy for years at a time, and same with Matt, but not me.  They see me as Lucy, the one who tries to be perfect.  Going to be Mom someday... always chasing after boys.   
  
Mary really gets obsessed with guys.  Same with Matt and girls, and now Simon is the same way.  I never really have had that feeling everyone else has had.  I go out with guys only to find that I have nothing of the passion or feeling that Matt or Mary or Simon talk about.  
  
For a while I just thought that maybe there was something wrong with them... after a while it morphed into something wrong with me. Maybe I just couldn't feel that way, or maybe I was just expecting too much.    
  
Yesterday I think I discovered exactly what was wrong with me._    
  
  
****  
  
  
Lucy sighed and looked back at the words written in her journal.  She smoothed out the paper and read over the words again, chewing on her pencil nervously as she did so.  
  
  
****  
  
  
_Cassie came new to school a month ago.  We got to be really good friends, but I'd feel strange around her.  Sort of shy and nervous.  Yesterday after school we were hanging out outside the school and she told me that I was beautiful.  Me, beautiful?  I sort of laughed and said that I wasn't... that's when she leaned over and kissed me.  
  
I was startled but it felt so good.  Exactly the way I always thought kisses were supposed to feel.  Soft and warm but also intense and magical somehow.  Like nothing I'd ever experienced with a guy.    
  
I was confused and pulled back... she apologized hurriedly, she looked so scared... scared that I wouldn't want to be around her anymore.  I told her to hush, told her that it was alright... then I leaned in to kiss her.  I _kissed_ her.  
  
It was even better that time.  She and I connected in a way I only dreamed about with guys.  Things seemed to fall into place, about the way I'd always felt but never understood.  Her tongue slid into my mouth and finally it felt like more than an assault.  
  
I haven't known Cassie for very long, but I think ... I think I love her.  Is that possible?  I can't stop thinking about her, can't wait to meet her again today at the Mall.  Her soft, silky hair and her hazel eyes that look at me in a way that thrills me.  I've been told all my life that it's wrong, but how can it be? It feel so, so right.  More right than anything else._  
  
  
****  
  
  
Lucy looked back down at the paper.  She had everything out, there was just one more thing to add.  
  
  
****  
  
  
_All I know is, my parents, my family, my friends can't know.  Ever._    
  
  
****  
  
  
With that, she placed her pencil down next to the paper and read it over once more.  She smiled slightly, glancing at her watch.  She'd have to leave soon to meet Cassie.    
  
She ripped the page out of her journal and placed it in a bowl.  She struck a match and lit the paper on fire, watching with a mixture of sadness and fascination as the words she'd spilled onto the paper slowly vanished into a smoky hiss, and all that was left in the bowl was ashes.    
  
"They can't know," whispered Lucy, tears coming to her eyes.  "I'll date guys, talk about guys, even kiss guys..." She picked up the bowl of ashes and poured them into the trashcan, placing the bowl on her desk.  "But I'll always love you, Cassie.  I promise."   
  
She checked her watch again.  Time to go.  


	2. Poetry

Ashes of Truth  
By Anisky  
  
Disclaimer: Lucy and anyone else who you recognize does not belong to me. __

Chapter 2:  Poetry

_It's strange, the way a single kiss can change the whole way you look at the world.  Well, two kisses, I suppose.  I haven't kissed her since that day, a little over a week ago, but I know the way she looks at me.  I think it's the same way I look at her.    
  
I knew from the moment I saw her that we'd be good friends.  I walked up to her and introduced myself, which I'm normally shy about doing._  
  
  
****  
  
Lucy's pencil broke, and she reached into her desk and pulled out a pencil sharpener.  As she twisted her pencil, she read over the page she'd written, knowing that this one, as well, she would have to watch crackle and fall in flames before her eyes.  She paused for a moment, and then leaned down to continue.   
  
  
****  
  
_She's beautiful._   
  
  
****  
  
Lucy stopped there, looking out of the window.  It was a nice day outside.  Lucy had gotten home from school a few hours ago, and it was still bright outside.  She smiled.  
  
  
****  
_  
It's springtime.  It's appropriate, somehow.  Spring is the time when new things are born.  There's a nest of birds outside my window, in the tree.  They're chirping, and it sounds like the way she'll laugh and tell you something silly and fun._   
  
She_ is springtime.   She's that beautiful flower that pokes its head out of the cold, frozen, dead ground that my life had become.  And now, with the flower gracing the no-longer-dead earth, it finally seems like it's there for a reason.  
  
Her shining sunset-colored hair is just like the sunlight that's shining through the window, casting light on everything.  Things are still _there_ when the sun's not shining, it's just that you just don't see them without those thousands of tiny particles surrounding everything and making them shine up with the colorful brilliance that is life.  Or that should be life.    
  
  
****_  
  
Lucy wiped a tear from her eye as she looked out the window once again.  "Never knew that I was a poet," she murmured to herself, turning her eyes back down to the paper.  
  
  
****  
  
_If I'm a poet, then she's the poetry.  No, that's not right.  Poetry is something that a poet creates, and I didn't create her.  I think she wrote me, except that I'm not poetry.  Maybe she's the inspiration of a poet.    
  
I've never really known anyone like her.  She sees things in a way I never have before.  It's like she doesn't dismiss things just because they're impossible.  Everything's possible.  I've never lived that way.  I like it.   
  
You know, I've never liked writing in a journal before.  It would always make my hand cramp up and hurt, and was taking away from valuable time.  But I like just sitting and writing about her.  She's that special.    
  
She's so tiny and delicate, a few inches shorter than me and I'm hardly tall.  Well, strike that.  She looks tiny and delicate, but she's one of the strongest people I know.  She's a much better person than I am, though she'd get angry with me for saying that.  She thinks I'm beautiful.  
  
  
_****  
  
Lucy put her pencil down, calmly but with a sort of decisive look.  She sat back to read what she'd written, a sad smile coming to her face.    
  
"It seems like a waste, somehow," she said to herself as she crumpled up the paper and walked across the room to place it in the ceramic bowl she'd used a week ago.  "I've never written poetry before."    
  
She reached into the drawer and pulled out the pack of matches, smelling the sulfur as she struck the match against the carton.  It flared, and she placed it into the bowl with the paper, watching as once again the words of her heart crackled and snapped and from the white truth it curled into blackness.    
  
"No…" she murmured, as at last all that was left in the bowl were a few small embers, and then nothing.  "It's not a waste, because the poetry wasn't what I wrote on the page."  Her voice was full of wonder, as is the voice of any girl who has just discovered magic.  
  
She stuck her finger in the ashes to make sure that they were out, then brushed them into the trash can.  She smiled as she whispered.  "She is the poetry, and as long as Cassie is in my life, I am a poet, no matter what's down on paper."  
  
The fire was Cassie's hair, but the ashes were Lucy's soul.


	3. Realizations

Ashes of Truth  
By Anisky  
  
Disclaimer: Lucy and anyone else who you recognize does not belong to me. __

Chapter 3: Realizations  
  
   
  
  
_I told Cassie what I thought, about her hair being fire.  She laughed, and said that maybe that was true, but fire was wild and destructive.  She said my hair was like the Earth, which is loving and stable and giving, which is better than beautiful but untamed and devastating any day.    
  
She said that she thought I'd hit on something, though.  Maybe hair really was more than something that grew out of our heads; maybe it was a hint of who we were inside.  I told her that I didn't think she was destructive, and she just smiled sadly and said something like "You'll learn." I think that was it.   
  
I think that Ruthie is starting to suspect something's going on.  That girl really is too smart for her own good.  I don't know what she's figured out so far, but I'd better be careful with everything I say.  She may be my younger sister but she really scares me sometimes.  
  
***  
  
  
_It was an awful thing to say, but it was also true.  Lucy looked up as she saw Mary walking into the room.  "Hey, kid," the older girl winked.   
  
"Who are you calling 'kid'?" Lucy answered with a smile, closing the diary while Mary was in the room.    
  
"You," said Mary with a laugh.  Lucy just sat there, waiting for Mary to leave.  The older girl just grabbed a coat and told her younger sister, "I'm going out for a while.  Be back later."    
  
"Later."   
  
***  
  
  
_I know that I should be keeping all of this a secret, but I had to break up with Kevin.  Honestly, I didn't like him much in the first place, but I always felt like I should like guys so I always went after anyone who was attractive.  Maybe that would mean that I really did like him, them, if I at least knew what was attractive.  He got really angry, but what else is new? He's gone now, and I hope I don't have to see him again.  I'm not through with pretending, but I'd better find a better lie than he was.  Or at least, a less bothersome lie.   
  
 Things are so strange.  I never thought that I'd be here, still at home at 20 years old, taking classes at a community college.  Where did all my plans go? And Mary—at least she doesn't technically live here, but maybe when she moves out she could maybe, oh, I don't know, _move out_? What _is _it about us Camden children that makes us cling to home like cling to home like baby birds who are ready to fly but just won't admit it?  
  
***  
  
  
_It was something that had been bothering Lucy for a long time and she was glad to get it down on paper.  She tapped her pencil against the table, considering what else to write.  She knew she had a lot she wanted to get out, but it was hard to organize her thoughts nowadays.  
  
***  
  
  
_Cassie can't believe that I still have to work so hard and worry about keeping this a secret.  "You're an _adult_," she tells me, running a hand through her hair in exasperation.  I admire the way it cascades down her shoulders, but I hang my head as if I'm a young child.  She's right: even with her, I can never really admit that I'm ready to take care of myself.  I should tell her that, that she's right, but what can she do?    
  
No, that's not right.  She could do something.  She's so amazing, she'd find something.  
  
***  
  
  
_A tear ran down Lucy's cheek.  "Finally," she whispered, reading her entry.  "I'm being honest with myself.  About time."   
  
***  
  
  
_My parents don't like Cassie.  They think that she's some new-age flake.  She seems a little distant sometimes, but she's no flake.  She's more down-to-earth than I am.  When Cassie said that magic was everywhere, my parents gave nervous glances towards each other. I felt like screaming, she's talking about love!  But how could I do that? My parents would know something.    
  
I _really_ need to grow up.   
  
***  
  
  
_"Well," she said, looking at the last line for a long time.  "It's finally out."  She began to crumple up the paper, then paused, and opened it again, smoothing it out.    
  
"I think I need to keep this one," she decided, brushing it off as if she was taking it out of a long storage.  "I need it to remind myself."    
  
Lucy tore out the paper and folded it carefully, until it was very small.  She put her diary in the desk drawer and walked around the room, slowly, searching for a place that she knew nobody would find it.  All the places she could think of were the obvious ones, though.  Her sisters weren't young or immature enough to search through each other's diaries; it was doubtful that anybody would be looking under the mattress of the bed.  Still, Lucy did not want to be eaten up with worry that someone would find the scandalous confession.    
  
After walking around the perimeter of the room several times, Lucy sat down on her bed, considering.  She looked down at the folded piece of paper for a long while.  It was so small, so unassuming, but she knew that kept within it were thoughts that were not only intimate, but were concealed from herself, and everyone else, for years.  The only person she could be truly honest with at this point was Cassie.    
  
Lucy smiled, putting the journal entry into her pocket.  "Of course!" she breathed, not believing she hadn't realized before.  "I need to give it to Cassie."   
  
That decided, Lucy walked out of the bedroom door, going downstairs for a snack.  She had a lot of thinking to do about her life.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: An answer to some reviewers.  
"   ": Since when is Simon gay?  Unless I reaaaaaaaally missed something, that's not canon.  
Velvet: Different sorts of stories require different length chapters.  I don't think that Lucy would write any more in one sitting at her diary than I wrote here; so either I would draw out what she does, which would take away from the story, or put multiple entries in each chapter, which I also think would take away.  This is not a sequential story; it is not supposed to tell a series of events from beginning to end; it is the fragmented confessions of a confused girl.  As such, I don't see any need to have chapters as long as I would in most fics.    
Hoedogg: Good idea; If you have any suggestions on how to do that, I'd love to hear them! My email address is in my profile. 


	4. A Simple Kiss

Ashes of Truth  
By Anisky  
  
Disclaimer: Lucy and anyone else who you recognize does not belong to me. __

Chapter 4: A Simple Kiss  
  
  
  
  
_Journal, it occurs to me that I've never told you how I first met Cassie, and I decided that as long as I'm sorting everything else out, I may as well tell you.  
  
Look at me, I'm acting as if my diary can actually understand.  Oh well.  As Cassie would say, "Hey, books have feelings too ya know!" So, well, anyway.   
  
When I first saw Cassie, I didn't think about it much.  At first she seemed kind of odd, like she didn't belong there.  For one thing she seemed much too enthusiastic and informed to be in a community college.  For another she dressed oddly; nothing really out there, but she'd be known to have flow-y skirts and bright, bright colors.    
  
She says that there's not enough color anymore, and I think she's right.  
  
I had English with her and she always had the most interesting ideas about the poetry we were reading, or stories, or about the writers themselves.  She seemed so alive, so happy when she talked about that sort of thing, and I decided to really try and understand what she was saying.  A whole new world opened up to me!  I researched and thought hard about what we read, and pretty soon we started having animated arguments… or discussions, I guess…  in class.  The teacher was thrilled, and everyone else was glad for a chance to just sit back and not be expected to do anything.  
  
Then one day, she stopped me after class.    
  
  
***  
  
_Lucy looked up, shielding her eyes from the bright morning sun.  It was a Tuesday, and she had class in half an hour.  Lucy had chosen to sit on campus and write in her journal so that she wouldn't have to worry about shielding it from anyone who came into the room.  She was leaning against a tree, but some of the leaves had blown aside and now the sun was in her eyes.  She shifted to the side, smiling as she remembered that day.   
  
  
***  
  
_She told me that she really enjoyed the debates with me, and she thought it might be fun to hang out after class sometime.  I told her that I was free right then, so she smiled and started walking with me.  
  
I asked her what I'd been wondering, about why she was at Glen Oak Community College when obviously she was both smart and enthusiastic.  She told me that she watched people get eaten up by stress, first at high school then even worse at college.  Most of them went on to live stressful jobs and barely even got a reprieve from worry and overwork until they were retired.    
  
She looked me straight in the eye, and said, "I'm not going to go through that.  I can't."  
  
Or something like that, anyway.  
  
I was uncomfortable at the look in her eyes, and turned to keep walking. She followed me, and asked me the same question, why I was there.    
  
I told her about Jeremy and how he'd broken up with me, but she just stared at me looking confused.  "So?" she'd asked.  She just couldn't understand why I wouldn't go to college because my fiancé dumped me.  She says she thinks I got too dependent on my boyfriend… didn't say it then of course, she said it later after she knew me… anyway, she may be right.  I don't know.    
  
  
_***  
  
Lucy sighed, tapping her pen against the paper.  The page was nearly empty, as she'd just turned the page, and she had to admit that there was a certain fitting simplicity to the barely-filled page.  It was like her life, or at least, any meaning in it.  Only starting to be written in.  Inspired by a certain flame-haired girl.   
  
"Hey, beautiful," Lucy heard a voice and started, pulled out of her thoughts.  She looked up and saw the exact same fiery girl that had been encompassing her thoughts smiling down at her.    
  
"Hey there," Lucy replied. She placed her pen into her diary, closing it and setting it down next to her.  "You're here early."  
  
"Class starts in ten minutes, Luce," Cassie plopped down in front of Lucy, sitting Indian style and looking at her friend intently.   
  
"Really?" The girl started and looked at her watch.  "Whoa, you're right. Time flies I guess."  
  
"Writing in your journal again?" asked Cassie, picking it up from next to Lucy.  "That's good.  I'm glad.  It's good for you to get your thoughts down.  From what I read in the entry you gave me it's doing you good.  Though I wish you weren't so hard on yourself. " She brushed off the cover of the journal, looking at the floral print on the front, then turning it to the side to look at the pages, running her finger gently over the places where Lucy had ripped out the pages.  
  
Lucy saw Cassie's motions.  "That's where I ripped out the pages when I talked about you.  Before I gave the entries to you, I burned them."    
  
Cassie just nodded, handing the journal back to Lucy.  "Class is starting soon.  Come on."  She shifted her weight to stand.  
  
"Wait!" Lucy suddenly reached out and grabbed Cassie's wrist to prevent her from standing up.  "I… we haven't kissed again since that first day.  I wasn't sure about things, and was confused…"  
  
Cassie misunderstood what her friend was saying.  "Lucy, it's alright, there is absolutely no pressure, you don't need to—"  
  
"No, that's not what I mean."  Lucy got up onto her knees, leaning in towards Cassie.  "I think this explanation requires… a physical example."  
  
With that, Lucy leaned over and, closing her eyes, pressed her lips against those of the girl she loved.  


	5. Lady and the Wench

Ashes of Truth  
By Anisky  
  
Disclaimer: Lucy and anyone else who you recognize does not belong to me. __

Chapter 5:  Lady and the Wench  
  
  
  
_Journal, you are never going to guess where I am right now. It's just so strange, I never even knew there was a school to learn Irish Dancing anywhere _near_ Glen Oak.  
  
Well I guess I just gave it away.  Yes, here I am, on a couch in a studio, watching Cassie jig around the room with 4 other girls and one guy.  She's really good, actually, they all are, I think this is some kind of advanced class.  I like watching her dance.  You can see her fiery… well… _being_, I guess, come out when she dances.  It's like you can really see who she really is somehow in the way she moves.    
  
So is it any wonder that I really like watching her dance?    
  
  
_***  
  
Lucy looked up, waving to Cassie who, unfortunately, could not wave back in the middle of her routine.  She was already smiling while she danced, smiled extra-widely to Lucy, however. The latter smiled, and turned back to her journal.  
  
  
***  
  
_She looks so happy, so free.  I doubt I ever look like that—I never feel like that.  I always try to be like somebody, though, and I don't think Cassie would approve of me trying to emulate her.  She'd much rather I tried to find my own identity, I know, and somehow I really don't want to disappoint her.   
  
Are she and I girlfriends? I don't know.  I mean, we've kissed and both of us liked it.  I think I may honestly love her.  But there are so many things I don't know about her, and I think she probably won't want to over-analyze our relationship.  I could be wrong, but she'll probably be like, 'let's just see how things work out and not worry about it.'  She's big on no-stress and not worrying.  There's probably a story behind that, but I don't want to pry.  
  
Oh, her hair just fell out of her bun as she danced! It's flowing all over the place and it really is so beautiful.  I want to run my hands through her hair and…  
  
My G*d, listen to me.  I've never been like this before.  
  
I'm also wondering… I just didn't write G*d out in case this is thrown out, at least that's what I've been taught to do.  But I can't help but question my beliefs.  All I've thought my whole life about love is wrong… I can't just leave things the way they are in my mind.  But…  
  
  
***  
  
_Lucy closed the diary as Cassie came over to her.  "Is the class over?" she asked.  
  
Cassie was sweating and panting.  Lucy didn't think she'd ever seen anyone so beautiful.  "Yes," said Cassie, pulling on a pair of jeans and shoes over her unitard.  She peered over to Lucy's book.  "Are you finished with your entry?"  
  
Lucy shrugged as she stood up, unzipping her purse and putting in the diary.  "I don't know. What I just wrote sparked some questions in my mind."    
  
"We can talk about it in the car, if you want," Cassie suggested as she grabbed her own purse.  She took a long swig of water and wiped the sweat off her face before she pushed open the door and stood back to let Lucy through.  "Ladies first," she said with a grin.  
  
"You're a lady, too," Lucy pointed out, but stepped through the door just the same.   
  
"Nuh-uh." Cassie shook her head as she closed the door and walked over to the car.  "I'm a wench.  Wenches have more fun."  
  
Lucy recognized the term from the Shakespeare she'd read, and looked over at Cassie with an amused look.  "Really?"  
  
"Yep." Cassie nodded as she opened the car doors and got into the driver's seat.  "I am indeed."  
  
"Can a wench court a lady?" asked Lucy, her eyes twinkling.    
  
"Obviously she can," said Cassie as she leaned in to kiss Lucy softly on the lips.  She pulled back after a moment and turned on the car, and Lucy took her diary out of her bag.  She opened it to the page she'd been on and continued writing.    
  
  
***  
  
_But… I guess I'm just afraid; it's too hard to reevaluate everything I believe.  Who knows where I'd be then?  When I was 13 I was told that religion was a life decision, but I don't think that's true.  You can change any time you want, but you need courage, and you need a lot of it, and I really don't know if I _have_ it.  Even if I'm not changing my religion, it's still changing what you believe.   
  
I think I have changed, but I'm pleased with the changes.  Even in every-day speech, I'm better at carrying a conversation.  It's kind of sad that I couldn't even carry on an interesting conversation before, but it's true.  I know I'm not getting smarter, but I think from reading all those classics maybe I have a better bank of … classical references? Something like that, anyway.  When I was talking to Cassie just now about a wench courting a lady, I never would have been able to say something like that before.  Is it still trying to be like somebody else if what that 'somebody else' does is be completely unique?  
  
  
***_  
  
Lucy looked out the window of the car, biting the end of her pen as the scenery flew by.   
  
"Care to share?" Cassie asked.  Lucy looked over at her and smiled.   
  
"With you? Anytime."  She paused and looked over her entry, smoothing it out.  It was this strange impulse she always had; almost as if it were polishing her thoughts to run her hand over the words.  She glanced over to Cassie then, who had her eyes on the road, and took a deep breath.  "I'm really unsure of my beliefs.  You know, being a preacher's daughter and all, it was just always assumed that I'd believe whatever my father's church did.  And… I mean, they weren't hate mongers or anything like that, but something like… like this," Lucy gestured to Cassie and herself, "was not a 'good' thing."   
  
Cassie nodded, keeping her eyes on the road.  She didn't say anything, just waited for Lucy to continue.  
  
"I don't even know what 'this' is, really.  Are we dating? Are we girlfriends, or just friends who… a friend who I…" Lucy took a deep breath and changed her topic.  "I just, I don't think I can continue believing what I've taken for Truth my whole life. But I also don't know if I can stop believing in them, either."  
  
Cassie nodded again, looking over at the girl next to her for a moment before turning her eyes back to the road.  "A friend who you what?" she asked softly.  
  
"Nothing," said Lucy.  "Forget it, OK?"  
  
Cassie nodded.  "OK."  
  
Lucy turned back to her diary.  
  
  
***  
  
_Why do I feel this way? I'm _sure _that in one of my diary entries that I gave to her, I've said that I think I love her.  So why… why can't I say it out loud?      
  
  
  
_


	6. Through the Eyes of Fire: Cassie Speaks

Title: Ashes of Truth  
  
Author: Anisky  
  
Summary: Cassie speaks, telling us a bit of her story.  Warning: depressing.    
  
Chapter 6: Through the Eyes of Fire  
  
  
  
_She is so innocent.    
  
Sure, some things have happened to her.  A friend of hers died in a car crash coming to pick her up, and she had to deal with guilt from that.  Her boyfriend from when she was really young started smoking pot. Her fiancé dumped her.   
  
Though, if you think about it, the last part was probably a good thing, since things probably wouldn't have worked out.  
  
But she's been kept so naïve.  So sheltered.  I hate that I will have to be the one who shows her that the world can be so cruel and harsh.  
  
She is Hestia, the gentle virgin goddess of the hearth.  That's Lucy all right, through and through.  She's Hestia before she realizes all of the petty intrigues and wrangling of her family and gives up her place as one of the twelve major gods.   
  
What will happen to Lucy when she realizes that she's no longer responsible for her family?  Will she be forced to give up the place she has, as Hestia did?  Will I be the sacrificial flame that Hestia was made the goddess of in compensation for her loss? Lucy compared my hair to fire the other day.  I was startled, but tried not to show it.  It really did cement this parallel in my mind.  Hestia made her own choice when she left her place as part of the Twelve.  I can only pray that it will be Lucy who gets to choose.  
  
I don't want her to know.  I wish I could keep her sheltered as effectively as her parents and family have for these twenty years.  But sooner or later, there are things about me that she's going to find out.  And I know she'd rather hear them from my mouth.  
  
I remember when I first truly saw her.  When she first raised her hand and argued with me that she didn't think that Eris was the true cause of the war, and we had a debate.  The first debate I'd gotten since Swarthmore!  It was so refreshing, I felt so energized!   
  
She asked me why I was at a community college, but I couldn't tell her the whole reason.  What I told her was true, that I couldn't handle the stress.  I didn't tell her exactly why I wouldn't be able to handle the stress, I didn't tell her what happened when I tried.    
  
What will she say when she finds out the way I used to watch the blood spill from my arm into the sink?  The way I holed myself in my room to work on the math and science that I felt obligated to take?    
  
And what happened to me wasn't even the worst.  
  
I remember it perfectly; she was my beautiful girl.  She called me up in the middle of the night, telling me that she didn't know if she could make it through the night.  Hannah opted for an acting career instead of college, and she was having a lot of trouble getting a job.  I should have listened to her, I should have rushed over in my car for the two-hour trip to New York, I should have at least stayed on the phone!  
  
But no.  I was just too busy with my schoolwork, too busy trying to figure out some formula; too busy for the girl I loved.  So I told her it would be OK and I hung up.  I hung up!  
  
Stop thinking about this Cassie.  Stop it.  It's not doing you any good.  
  
Lucy.  Think about Lucy.  She's such a pure soul.  I meant it when I said that she's like Hestia.  Poseidon and Apollo both sought to wed her, you know.  But Hestia would not marry either of them, instead becoming a virgin goddess.  I'm sure many boys have fought over Lucy, but something stopped her, inside, from being happy with them.    
  
It is said that Aphrodite herself could not bend or ensnare the heart of Hestia.  I wonder if that is true.  Does she love me?  
  
Will I fail her, the way I failed Hannah?  Can I even be brave enough to try again?    
  
I don't think that I'm worthy of her.  She is the untouchable Goddess, gentle, sweet.  I _am_ the destructive fire, the one who destroys without control.    
  
Lucy has to find out sooner or later.  I just wish I weren't the one who introduced her to the horror and pain that is life.  I just wish I could be what she thinks I am.  I just wish.  _


	7. Asking Her

Ashes of Truth  
By Anisky  
  
Disclaimer: Lucy and anyone else who you recognize does not belong to me. __

Chapter 7: Asking Her  
  
  
  
  
_Journal, I am so nervous.  Cassie keeps telling me that there's nothing to worry about, but I can't help being nervous about meeting her parents! Especially since they already know that she and I are dating.  I haven't spoken to _anybody_ who knows that she and I are dating yet except, well, Cassie.  You know, it's just kind of weird.    
  
It's not just that either, meeting her parents.  I really have to tell her soon, don't I?  I'll never know if I don't ask…I know she won't dump me just for asking something like this but…it's still a risk.  It's still scary.   
  
I can't believe that she loves me sometimes.  She's just so full of life, dancing all the time and living live to its fullest.  I wish I were like that.  I've just sort of trudged through life—at least, it feels like it whenever I'm around her.  
  
Still, there's something in her eyes.  I'm not sure what it is.  It seems… I don't even know what I'm writing here.  I'm not making any sense.    
  
  
_***  
  
Lucy bit the eraser of her pencil.  It was so hard to figure out how to put those strange feelings onto paper.  It just ended up sounding silly.    
  
"Lucy?"  She turned; Ruthie was at the door.    
  
"Yes, Ruthie?" she asked, closing her journal.    
  
The young girl walked over to Lucy, eyeing her thoughtfully.  "I was just curious…is something wrong?"  
  
"Wrong?" Lucy gave a small fake laugh.  "Why would something be wrong?"  
  
"It's just…" Ruthie's eyes narrowed and she took a closer look at Lucy.  "Nothing.  It's nothing.  Forget it."  
  
"It's forgotten."  Lucy smiled at her younger sister, and Ruthie cast one more odd gaze her older sister's way before leaving the room.  
  
  
***  
  
_I've said this before, journal, but Ruthie really does scare me.  I really think she's going to figure it out, and I don't know what's going to happen when she does.    
  
Things have been kind of difficult with Cassie.  I don't know why things are so complicated all of a sudden! She hasn't acted differently, I think it's all me…I think that I love her but what if she doesn't feel the same way?  What if things are totally ruined if I say that to her?  G*d, it doesn't make any sense that I'm being this way.  She's read my journal entries; she knows that I was beginning to fall in love with her.  If it were a problem, wouldn't she have told me?  
  
What am I talking about?! What would she say? 'Look, Lucy, I just read your journal entry, and I think it's good that you're getting out your feelings and all, but don't love me'?? Yeah, like she could say something like that.    
  
What am I going to say to her parents? What has she told her parents, except besides the fact that we're dating?  I can't believe she can tell her parents.  I wish I could tell mine.  And oh my G*d, am I really thinking of asking her this?  
  
I'm leaping all over the place, journal.  My mind is so jumbled.  I feel really jumpy.  I just got a job too, and this is what I was thinking of, I want   
  
  
***_  
  
  
Lucy put down her pencil and shook out her hand.  "Ow.  I hate that."  She massaged her hand for a moment, trying to get rid of the cramp she felt there, and was about to continue writing when she heard her mother call from downstairs.   
  
"Lucy dear!" Annie called.  "Your friend is here!"  
  
The woman took a deep breath and picked up her journal and put it in her purse.  She went downstairs, smiling as she saw Cassie there, with Annie looking over disapprovingly.    
  
"Hey, Cassie," she said, looking her hopefully-girlfriend over.  She could see why Annie didn't like the girl's outfit, even though Lucy loved it.  Cassie was wearing a short wrap-around skirt, dark red with Indian-style stitching all over it, along with a spaghetti-strapped black top with leather strings lacing up the front, exposing a tiny bit of Cassie's stomach.    
  
Needless to say, Lucy loved it.   
  
"Ready to go?" asked Cassie, taking out her car keys.   
  
"Wait," said Annie suspiciously.  "Where are you going again?"  
  
"Just to Cassie's parents' house, Mom," said Lucy, following Cassie to the door.  "I'll be back by curfew.  I promise."  She waved to her mother, and the two girls crossed the lawn to get into Cassie's car.    
  
  
***  
  
_Well, here I am, on the way to meet Cassie's parents.  This diary really has become a real tool for getting my feelings out.  I carry you around everywhere, you know, just in case.  Cassie is laughing at me right now for writing in you even now, but I can tell she doesn't really mind.  
  
Ah, this again.  She's also saying that she can't believe that my mom still asks where I'm going and that I still have a curfew.  She's all, "You're an _adult_, Lucy."  I wonder if I should tell her?  Is now a good time?    
  
It's hard to write in a car.  The script is all bumpy.  Oh well.  
  
I'm not sure whether or not to show my journals to Cassie anymore.  And you know that kind of worries me.  I used to trust her and all that.  Isn't trust supposed to increase as you're with somebody? Well, I'm not even technically _with_ her, am I?  I don't know.  
  
OK, Lucy.  Calm.  This is supposed to make you all tranquil and all, not dreg up those bad emotions all over again.    
  
OK… we're at her house… butterflies… butterflies… Ok, Lucy, tell her.    
  
  
***  
  
_"Cassie? Wait," Lucy grabbed Cassie's arm and stopped her from getting out.  
  
"What? Nervous?"  She smiled, and stroked Lucy's cheek for a moment. "I'm telling you, it'll be fine. They're really nice."  
  
"No, it's…" Lucy looked Cassie straight in the eyes.  "It's not that… I have a question."  
  
"Yes?"  Cassie asked, turning around to face her friend better.   
  
"Do you live here? With your parents I mean?" Lucy's voice was urgent.   
  
"Well yes, but my parents give me a free reign and I was thinking about moving out soon anyway.  Why?"  Cassie drew her eyebrows together in slight concern, leaning back in the seat of the car while looking at Lucy.  
  
"Well… I was thinking."  Lucy took a deep breath.  "I just got a job, a good one, at this bookstore and…Cassie, I… I love you.  That's it.  I love you, and I was wondering if you…"  Lucy took another breath.  She felt lightheaded, and looking desperately over to the girl she loved.  Cassie's face was unreadable.  Lucy took another breath.  "I was wondering if you wanted to…to be, you know, well, roommates?"     
  



	8. A Gift

Ashes of Truth  
By Anisky  
  
Disclaimer: Lucy and anyone else who you recognize does not belong to me.   
  
A/N: Sorry it took so long to get this out.  I was on vacation without a computer.  But here it is now!! __

Chapter 8:  A Gift   
  
  
  
   
_Well Journal, I'm in Cassie's house.  I'm up in her room right now, with her, and I'll describe what happened in a moment, but first…  
  
She said yes!!!! She said that she thought it was a great idea.  She didn't respond to the part where I said I loved her… that was kinda strange I guess… but she still said yes! Now that it's happened I don't even know why I was stressing so badly.  Oh well.  
  
Anyway,  I've been talking to her parents for about an hour.  They're really nice but nothing like my parents.  At all.   
  
When I first walked in I could tell it would be nothing like my house.  For one thing there was incense burning in the corner.  It smelled really nice; I liked it.  There was also a Buddha statue in the living room and the bookshelf looked kind of like that one shelf my dad reserved for books about other faiths—except this was an entire bookshelf.  It had books by the Dalai Lama and the Book of Tao and Bibles and a Koran and books about Hinduism and things by some woman named Margot Adler and a several books by someone named Thomas Merton and even more books like that.  
  
Her parents hugged me and told me that they were glad that Cassie had met me and all those other things that I wish my parents would say to me but I know all too well they wouldn't.  They were thrilled that she and I were going to get a place together, though they told Cassie how much they'd miss her and for both of us to visit as much as possible.   
  
It seemed like they instantly accepted me, whether because Cassie liked me or for some other reason I don't know.  That always scares me, when someone likes me right away, because what if I let them down later?  But I didn't feel that way with Cassie's parents.  I like them.    
  
But now we're up in Cassie's room.  It's … interesting.  There's a Buddha in here, and statues of some Hindu god, and there's also an altar in the corner with candles and stuff.  Oh, and the walls!! The one wall is black with stars, the two are lighter, as is the ceiling, and the one wall is just this explosion of color!! Her entire room is a sunrise or a sunset—I haven't decided which.    
  
It matches her hair.   
  
  
***  
  
_"Lucy!"  Cassie laughed and Lucy looked up.    
  
"Yes?" she asked, closing her journal and laying it on the bed.  
  
"I was just wondering if you were going to spend all your time writing in the journal," Cassie smiled and sat on Lucy's lap, facing her, and leaned in for a kiss.    
  
Lucy was startled, but pleasantly so, and returned the kiss enthusiastically.    
  
When Cassie pulled back, she stood up and looked over at Lucy with a strange, thoughtful look on her face.  "Lucy, what are you going to tell your parents? About us getting a place together?"  
  
Lucy sighed and fell face-first onto Cassie's very soft bed.  The pillow muffled her words.  "I don't know, that you'll be my room mate I guess, so that we share the bills."  
  
Cassie nodded and sat next to Lucy's head.  She stroked the girl's brown hair and sighed.    
  
  
***  
  
_I wish I could tell my parents, I really do.  I know that Cassie understands, in her mind, why I can't.  But in her heart… she's never had parents like mine, she told me herself she's never had to hide things like this.  Even if intellectually she understands why I can't tell my parents, I worry that subconsciously she believes it's because she's ashamed.    
  
Imagine.  Me.  Thinking these kinds of thoughts about psychology.    
  
If I hadn't met Cassie, I would have been an awful minister.    
  
I question whether that's still my path, now. I don't even know what I believe at this point.  It's not a bad sort of not-knowing, I don't feel any urgency that I should know.  I just don't, well,  know about being a minister anymore.   
  
Cassie's meditating.  She does that sometimes.  I told her about the time when I was thirteen and I studied Buddhism, about how I hated to meditate.  She laughed and told me maybe she'd teach me again sometimes.  She said that she thinks that I could really get a lot out of meditating if I went at it the right way.  I don't know about that.    
  
Does she love me?  
  
We're going to live together and I still don't know.    
  
I asked her what religion she was, and she just laughed.  "I'm not going to bind myself to any specific rules of what I should believe by labeling myself," she said.  Or something like that, it probably wasn't in those words.  She pretty much said that she doesn't belong to any religion but she takes bits of pieces from all of them.  Being eclectic, she calls it.  She says that way, she can always evolve what she believes, and it's not breaking any rules.    
  
Evolving what you believe.  What a novel concept.    
  
I'd better put down my diary now.  I've just been writing this entire time.  I should stop for now.  
  
  
***  
  
_Lucy put her journal down on the bed and just watched Cassie.  She looked so peaceful sitting there, with her eyes closed.  Lucy watched her for a moment, and then she sighed.  
  
Cassie opened her eyes. "Is something wrong?"  
  
Lucy shrugged, playing idly with her pencil.  "It's nothing."  
  
"Come on, Lucy," Cassie got up from the floor and sat next to Lucy on the bed, "you can tell me."  
  
Lucy scrunched her face and looked at her pencil as she blurted her question. "Are we dating?"  
  
Cassie blinked and took one of Lucy's hands in hers.  "Of course we are, Lucy.  I thought you knew that.  I'm sorry if it's been confusing you…I should have been more clear."  
  
Lucy still looked troubled.  "Cassie, when I told you in the car that I love you…I meant it. I don't know if I should have said it though, especially since you didn't respond…was it wrong of me?"  
  
The redheaded girl swallowed, then abruptly stood up and strode across the room.  Lucy stood to follow her, pausing in confusion.  To her relief, Cassie picked up a book and came back over to her girlfriend.    
  
"I didn't really want you to know about this," Cassie told her, handing her the book.  "But if we're going to live together, you need to know.  Read this…gods it scares me to give this to you, but I have to.  Read this and then decide if you love me."  
  
"I love you, Cass—"  
  
"No," the girl cut Lucy off.  "Read this first, OK? But not right now.  Just keep it with you and read it when you're alone. It's the last few entries in the book that explain it…"  
  
The brown-haired girl nodded and tucked the small book into her bag, instinctively knowing that it was better not to discuss whatever it was that was bothering her girlfriend.  She sat back down on the bed and wrapped her arms around Cassie.  The two girls fell backwards onto the bed, and Lucy giggled, as they lied there, cuddling in bed, and she knew that whatever the book said, she would still love Cassie.  
  
After all, how bad could it be?   


End file.
